That we're struggling and nobody sees it.
That even if they DO see it, they don't want to admit it to themselves.
That our friends are out right now, having fun, making memories, and we're stuck.
I hate that I'm trying to recover and I'm scared and there's nobody- literally NOBODY- I can go to.
That the people I would normally talk to about this, I don't trust enough anymore.
Or I know that they're doing something else and I don't want to burden them.
Don't tell me to go talk to them anyway, cause you KNOW you wouldn't do it if our positions were switched.
I hate that all I want to do is purge and go biking.
And that I can't because I'll just despise myself even more after.
And that I'm still counting calories.
And jesus I'm only a few HOURS into recovery and I feel like I should already be doing it perfectly.
I hate feeling like I need to be in a fucking mental hospital because I'm fucking insane.
And that I can't go to one because I can't tell anyone about this shit.
And if I DID tell them they wouldn't believe me.
Besides which, my state isn't fucking equipped to handle eating disorders.
I hate that my best friends aren't here to help me.
That they don't even consider me as such anymore.
That I've seen them, what, once each in the past month and a half?
That even if they were here, they'd just watch me getting sicker and I wouldn't be telling them shit anyway because I wouldn't think they'd care.
I hate that I'm going to be living with one of those girls for a month.
That I don't know how to talk to her anymore.
That she's probably just going to be mourning the fact that her new friends aren't with her.
That I'm so fucking selfish and insecure that I can't accept that she's this close to someone other than me.
I hate that probably nobody is going to respond to this with anything but hugs and love.
That none of you can solve it for me, or make it go away.
That this can't ever really be fixed, because it's just kind of fucking hopeless, isn't it?
And how disgusting it is that I could ever even THINK that someone else who's suffering just as much as me could ever take on this burden.
God.
I'm sorry.
I'm not worth all of you.
I'm sorry if you wasted your time reading this.
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